The wedding season is in full
swing once again. This time last year, my spouse and I were getting married.
Overall, this was a happy, albeit short, occasion. But one decision about this
wedding and marriage continues to reappear, normally barging back into my life
in an unpleasant way. Yes. I am one of those people who didn't change her last
name when she got married.
This was startling to my family, my
soon-to-be family, my friends, and my soon-to-be spouse. Many of them didn't
know how to talk about it or how to address me. Some of them still call me
"Mrs. [insert my spouse's last name]" (For those who are curious, I
don't go by Mrs. at all, actually. I go by Ms. This isn't an out for me to
pretend I'm not married, a strategy to pick up dudes (or chicks or anyone
else), or to cheat on my spouse. I'm going to be Dr. soon, anyway!). Some
were angry. Most of them just didn't say anything but watched me carefully at
the wedding, probably wondering why I wasn't changing my last name.
I feel that I need to explain myself
(even more), although Paul and I made this decision a long time ago. This was
not an easy decision for us together as a couple. We still run into road blocks
because of this decision, and I'm sure we will down the road. The biggest issue
is the assumptions that go with not changing one's last name when you get
married, which I will discuss throughout this post. I'm a strict believer that
changing or not changing one' s last name is a hard decision either way, and
that it is ultimately a person's choice because it's their name (although the
couple should come to a decision or at least a compromise). But even when I
have respected other's decisions, they do not always respect my decision. One
of the reasons I've decided to share my experience is because it is a hard
decision and you may find backlash if you change your name or if you don't. I
will be sharing the reasons why I decided to not change my last name, but also
why it was hard for me to not change my last name. I hope that this post helps
you understand my situation (all situations are unique: my situation does not
represent all women's situations). As Janet Mock writes beautifully in her
memoir Redefining Realness, "I hope that my being real with you
will help empower you to step into who you are and encourage you to share
yourself with those around you." I hope that my honesty--sharing my
reasons and my struggle with this decision--will help individuals do things
others may not agree with and to share these things instead of keeping them quiet.
I also hope it gives others an understanding as to why I decided not to change my
last name. I
realize this is a lot of ask of a blog post, especially one with bullet points,
but perhaps this post can do something for someone besides me. But, I must
admit, I'm also hoping it relieves my own uneasy mind and organize the thoughts
that have been bouncing around for about four years.
Before reading on,
if you are not familiar with the stereotypes of women keeping their maiden
names, I suggest you read some of the articles that show how people
"really feel" about women not changing their last names, such as Robin
Hilmantel's "How Men REALLY Feel When You Keep Your Last Name"
and Lynette Hoy's short piece "She
Won’t Change Her Last Name" (along with some of the comments about this
piece). I will discuss many of the stereotypes in this article, but these
articles will give you a stronger foundation.
In addition, I suggest reading other
articles about why women did not change their last name when they got married
(either before or after you continue reading). Gabrielle Moss' article
"Keeping Your Name After Marriage: 27 Women Talk About Why They Didn't
Take Their Husband's Surnames" provides readers with short quotes from
women who didn't change their last names. Reflective Brides' post, "Why I’m Not Changing My Last Name for
Marriage," offers one story why she did not change her last name as well
as the questions that people have asked her. Hopefully these additional
articles supply you with more background and what people have to say about the
subject.
Note: My article will solely use
examples about marriages between men and women, since this is my situation.
However, many queer couples may face this issue as well. Since the Marriage
Equality Act passed last summer, these couples have the choice to keep, change,
or combine their last names. A few couples share their experiences in Lisa
Bertagnoli's article "They're gay and married. Do they use the same surname?"
Reasons why I didn't change my last name when I got married:
1.
I didn't want to contribute to a tradition that isn't meaningful to me. Here's
a quick and dirty history of this tradition: although last names (or surnames)
are relatively recent (this trend started around the 12th or 13th century),
this trend spread quickly. Because of this trend, the U.S., as well as some
other countries, has a cultural tradition of a wife being assigned her
husband's last name. During this time, when a woman married, she was property
of her husband, and therefore took his last name because she was now a
possession of his; She had no legal status: she could not own her own
property. She was not her own person. Although women have gained many rights,
many continued to take their husband's last names. (Also, something else that
contributes to my discomfort with being assigned a name is rooted in the
history of slavery. Masters assigned slaves new European names when they were
bought that erased their African heritage.)
Today, most people don't view women
as property of their husband. However, why would I continue this tradition if I
don't agree with or believe in the reasons behind why it originated and why it
was continued? I don't believe any human being is necessarily superior over
another, especially in terms of the sex they were declared at birth. I
view myself as my own person, just like I view my spouse as his own person. I'm
not enslaved to him in any way, and vice versa. Neither of us should have to deny
our agency just because of marriage. Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice
at times, but this does not mean viewing ourselves as lesser. Since I read
this tradition as something that continues the subjugation of women and denies
them agency, I did not feel comfortable changing my last name.
2. Before we got married, I was Hillary Weiss for 23 years of
my life. When people get married, they may take that opportunity to get rid of
their last name that they may not like or parts of their identity they don't like.
I think that this is great for these people: they are actually
"taking" a name and re-naming themselves. There is power in naming
yourself. However, it's not for me. As Amy Poehler says in her book Yes
Please, "That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and
over again: 'Good for her! Not for me.'" I don't hate women who change
their last name when they get married. I trust that they have reasons why they
want to change their last name, and I respect their decision. And I definitely
don't attack them for it. But I also expect them to respect my decision as
well, which does not always happen. Anyway. It is important to note,
though, that I'm not incredibly close to the Weiss side of the family, so I
didn't keep my name just because I wanted to honor them. I wanted to keep my name
because I'm okay with being Hillary Weiss, and I don't feel like I need to
change (my name) just because I was getting married.
As Jill Filipovic’s article, “Why
Should Married Women Change Their Names? Let Men Change Theirs” says, “When
women see our names as temporary or not really ours, and when we understand
that part of being a woman is subsuming your own identity into our husband’s,
that impacts our perception of ourselves and our role in the world.” Filipovic
hits the nail on the head: women's names and identities are temporary. Men's
names and identities are concrete and unchanging. They are not expected to
change. Being a married woman, as Filipovic argues, symbolizes a subsumption of
identities.
This sounds great, right? This is
what marriage is supposed to be all about: coming together. The issue is,
though, that in a hetero-marriage, the wife is expected to subsume her identity into her
husband's identity by taking his last name (and going by Mrs.), symbolically erasing
at least 20-something years of her life, while the husband is not expected to
change or erase parts of his identity.
If you read Filipovic's article,
you'll find that she suggests men to change their last names to their spouse's
last names. Unlike Filipovic, I am by no means suggesting that men should do
this. This does turn the tradition on its head, which I appreciate, but I also
feel that there is an imbalance of power, which I am uncomfortable with. I
sincerely believe that marriages based on an equity of power have the potential
to be more successful than those with an imbalance of power.
In summation, I don't necessarily see my name or identity as
temporary. If men don't need to change their
last name, then why should I, just because I identify as a woman? Compromise is
important in marriage, but I don't think that anyone should have erase a part
of their identity if they don't wish to.
3. I had the choice and some support to not change my last
name. In many other countries, women cannot change their last names when they
get married. For example, in Greece, a law was passed in 1983 that required
women to keep their maiden names (Koffler). And if that is not close to home
enough for you, Quebec has a similar law that has been in place since 1981 (for
more examples, see Jacob Koffler's article, "Here Are Places Women Can’t Take Their Husband’s Name When They Get
Married"). On the other hand, Japan does not recognize a couple if both
the husband and wife do not have the same last names. Therefore, a woman must
take her husband's last name. Though I don't agree with any of
these laws because they deny women the right to choose if she wants to change
or keep her last name, these examples prove that changing or not changing one's
name depends on the country: there is no "norm" when it comes to last
names. I appreciate that I had the choice to choose because the U.S. allows the
choice. Additionally, overall, I had supportive family and friends. This does
not always happen, especially with non-traditional decisions. I was lucky
enough to have people respect my decision. Of course, I must admit, I probably
would have kept my name even if my family and friends didn't support me.
Nevertheless, the support was reassuring because I had others to talk to
besides my soon-to-be spouse about the assumptions of women who keep their last
names. They reassured me that just because I wasn't changing my last name
didn't mean that I hated men or hated my soon-to-be spouse or his family or that
I was being selfish or I was sabotaging our marriage. This support relieved
some stress and the nasty comments on the internet and the harsh voices in my
head.
To summarize:
I did
not change my last name because, first and foremost, I didn't agree with this
tradition because of its history. It doesn't symbolize something romantic; to
me, it symbolizes power structures that I don't agree with. I chose to continue
to be Hillary Weiss. This might not be revolutionary, but it's something
because I chose it.
Reasons why it was difficult for me to not change my last
name:
1.
I absolutely didn't want to offend my partner's family. I enjoy spending time
with them, and I appreciate their undying support of Paul and I. I didn't not
change my name because I don't respect Paul or his family or because I don't
like his last name. If you believe that I didn't change my last name because I
don't respect my spouse and his family, scroll to the top of this page and
start reading this post again.
2.
I didn't want my partner's masculinity to be questioned or him to be harassed.
You know. People will say, "Well, you know who wears the pants in that
relationship!" or even, "What's wrong with you, bro?" You may
think these comments are ridiculous or even playful. But they happen, and they
can wear a person down. These phrases can sometimes turn into physical
violence. Though I believe that gender roles need to be challenged and should
be done away with, I also value our safety and even our acceptance in the
world; it is hard to live outside of gender norms, especially in some
hyper-masculine and/or conservative environments.
3. When you don't change your last name, you are
still in a patriarchal loop--that is, you still carry your father's last name,
which was passed down by men. Realistically, you aren't doing much by not
changing your name because you are still contributing to the archaic idea that
the last name must be carried on by a man.
This is one that I
particularly struggle with. It makes me realize how difficult it is to escape
the idea that (cis) men have power that (cis) women do not: because one is
declared a boy at birth, this means that he automatically benefits because he
is not expected to change his name (part of his identity) if he gets married.
In addition, in my family, just because my brother can "carry on
the last name," this means he also has dibs on the family farm. Being a
(cis) male in our current society is still beneficial in certain ways.
4. People have questioned me about what we will do
about our children's last names (some people have included the word
"if"--"if" we have children--which I appreciate immensely).
This is a difficult question, but I think Paul and I have this one down, at
least. For now, we plan on hyphenating our children's names. We firmly believe
that if and when our children get married, they can do whatever they want with
their last names. We have also discussed us changing our last names along with
our first child, but things could change.
To summarize...
Although this is your own name, this decision affects other people. I suggest keeping this in mind if you're ever in this situation.
I still kept my last name, and I know this damaged some relationships. I just
hope they understand that I did not do this to hurt them in any way. I did this
to challenge a larger system and expectations that I disagree with.
This experience....
What I have learned about this experience is to try to be patient
and open-minded, especially to others' decisions. In my original 2013 article
about changing my last name (http://www.shuspectra.com/598/opinion/choosing-a-name-joining-identities/),
I was fully expecting both Paul and I to hyphenate our last names, together.
But during a long car ride home, Paul said, "You know, I don't want to
hyphenate my name. I've been Paul [last name] my whole life. I really understand
why people don't want to change their last names now." At that moment, I
saw something wonderful: he felt how some women feel during this time in their
lives. He realized what it meant to be asked to do something that he
didn't want to do. He and I were on the same page. This is why we decided,
together, to keep our own last names, at least for now. This doesn't mean that
we don't feel uneasy about this sometimes, especially when we are questioned or
even attacked for this decision. It is undoubtedly easier to just go with the
flow in this situation even if you don't agree with the tradition, especially
if you are a younger couple. But even though I am open minded to others
changing their last names, I also argue that this doesn't change, challenge, or
teach anyone anything. Just like this blog post, I have used this experience in
my life as an opportunity to explain how there are clear discrepancies in
expectations of men and women, and that a (cis) woman who does not change her
last name is a threat to tradition, to masculinity, and to straight, white,
able-bodied, cisgender male power. Why don't we want to challenge these ideas?
Are they really working for all women right now? Are they really working for
all men right now? Not at all.
If you don't agree with some of these traditions
and power structures but still changed your last name, that's okay. You can do
something about it. Respect others who decided to keep or combine their last
names. Or write about it (look at Jo Piazza's "I Changed My Last Name 12 Hours After Getting Married...and Yes, I'm
Still a Feminist"). If more individuals share their experiences about this
topic, this sharing can create understanding and empathy.
Works Cited:
"Equality,
Property, and Marriage." History 120. N.D. Web. 24 May 2016.
Filipovic,
Jill. "Why Should Married Women
Change Their Names? Let Men Change Theirs." The Guardian. 7
March 2013. Web. 23 May 2016.
Goldin, Claudia and
Maria Shim. "Making a Name: Women’s Surnames at Marriage and Beyond."
Journal of Economic Perspectives 18.2 (2004): 143-160.
Koffler, Jacob. "Here Are Places Women Can’t Take Their Husband’s
Name When They Get Married." Time.com. 29 June 2015. Web. 24
May 2016.
Kos,
Kaitlyn. "'I do, but I don't...take your last name': A study of surname
choice upon marriage." ProQuest Dissertation Publishing.
Southern Connecticut State University, 2013. Web. 24 May 2016.
