My Last Name.

The wedding season is in full swing once again. This time last year, my spouse and I were getting married. Overall, this was a happy, albeit short, occasion. But one decision about this wedding and marriage continues to reappear, normally barging back into my life in an unpleasant way. Yes. I am one of those people who didn't change her last name when she got married.

This was startling to my family, my soon-to-be family, my friends, and my soon-to-be spouse. Many of them didn't know how to talk about it or how to address me. Some of them still call me "Mrs. [insert my spouse's last name]" (For those who are curious, I don't go by Mrs. at all, actually. I go by Ms. This isn't an out for me to pretend I'm not married, a strategy to pick up dudes (or chicks or anyone else), or to cheat on my spouse. I'm going to be Dr. soon, anyway!). Some were angry. Most of them just didn't say anything but watched me carefully at the wedding, probably wondering why I wasn't changing my last name.

I feel that I need to explain myself (even more), although Paul and I made this decision a long time ago. This was not an easy decision for us together as a couple. We still run into road blocks because of this decision, and I'm sure we will down the road. The biggest issue is the assumptions that go with not changing one's last name when you get married, which I will discuss throughout this post. I'm a strict believer that changing or not changing one' s last name is a hard decision either way, and that it is ultimately a person's choice because it's their name (although the couple should come to a decision or at least a compromise). But even when I have respected other's decisions, they do not always respect my decision. One of the reasons I've decided to share my experience is because it is a hard decision and you may find backlash if you change your name or if you don't. I will be sharing the reasons why I decided to not change my last name, but also why it was hard for me to not change my last name. I hope that this post helps you understand my situation (all situations are unique: my situation does not represent all women's situations). As Janet Mock writes beautifully in her memoir Redefining Realness, "I hope that my being real with you will help empower you to step into who you are and encourage you to share yourself with those around you." I hope that my honesty--sharing my reasons and my struggle with this decision--will help individuals do things others may not agree with and to share these things instead of keeping them quiet. I also hope it gives others an understanding as to why I decided not to change my last name. I realize this is a lot of ask of a blog post, especially one with bullet points, but perhaps this post can do something for someone besides me. But, I must admit, I'm also hoping it relieves my own uneasy mind and organize the thoughts that have been bouncing around for about four years.

Before reading on, if you are not familiar with the stereotypes of women keeping their maiden names, I suggest you read some of the articles that show how people "really feel" about women not changing their last names, such as Robin Hilmantel's "How Men REALLY Feel When You Keep Your Last Name" and Lynette Hoy's short piece "She Won’t Change Her Last Name" (along with some of the comments about this piece). I will discuss many of the stereotypes in this article, but these articles will give you a stronger foundation.

In addition, I suggest reading other articles about why women did not change their last name when they got married (either before or after you continue reading). Gabrielle Moss' article "Keeping Your Name After Marriage: 27 Women Talk About Why They Didn't Take Their Husband's Surnames" provides readers with short quotes from women who didn't change their last names. Reflective Brides' post, "Why I’m Not Changing My Last Name for Marriage," offers one story why she did not change her last name as well as the questions that people have asked her. Hopefully these additional articles supply you with more background and what people have to say about the subject.

Note: My article will solely use examples about marriages between men and women, since this is my situation. However, many queer couples may face this issue as well. Since the Marriage Equality Act passed last summer, these couples have the choice to keep, change, or combine their last names. A few couples share their experiences in Lisa Bertagnoli's article "They're gay and married. Do they use the same surname?"

Reasons why I didn't change my last name when I got married:

1. I didn't want to contribute to a tradition that isn't meaningful to me. Here's a quick and dirty history of this tradition: although last names (or surnames) are relatively recent (this trend started around the 12th or 13th century), this trend spread quickly. Because of this trend, the U.S., as well as some other countries, has a cultural tradition of a wife being assigned her husband's last name. During this time, when a woman married, she was property of her husband, and therefore took his last name because she was now a possession of his; She had no legal status: she could not own her own property. She was not her own person. Although women have gained many rights, many continued to take their husband's last names. (Also, something else that contributes to my discomfort with being assigned a name is rooted in the history of slavery. Masters assigned slaves new European names when they were bought that erased their African heritage.)

Today, most people don't view women as property of their husband. However, why would I continue this tradition if I don't agree with or believe in the reasons behind why it originated and why it was continued? I don't believe any human being is necessarily superior over another, especially in terms of the sex they were declared at birth. I view myself as my own person, just like I view my spouse as his own person. I'm not enslaved to him in any way, and vice versa. Neither of us should have to deny our agency just because of marriage. Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice at times, but this does not mean viewing ourselves as lesser. Since I read this tradition as something that continues the subjugation of women and denies them agency, I did not feel comfortable changing my last name.

2. Before we got married, I was Hillary Weiss for 23 years of my life. When people get married, they may take that opportunity to get rid of their last name that they may not like or parts of their identity they don't like. I think that this is great for these people: they are actually "taking" a name and re-naming themselves. There is power in naming yourself. However, it's not for me. As Amy Poehler says in her book Yes Please, "That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again: 'Good for her! Not for me.'" I don't hate women who change their last name when they get married. I trust that they have reasons why they want to change their last name, and I respect their decision. And I definitely don't attack them for it. But I also expect them to respect my decision as well, which does not always happen. Anyway. It is important to note, though, that I'm not incredibly close to the Weiss side of the family, so I didn't keep my name just because I wanted to honor them. I wanted to keep my name because I'm okay with being Hillary Weiss, and I don't feel like I need to change (my name) just because I was getting married.

As Jill Filipovic’s article, “Why Should Married Women Change Their Names? Let Men Change Theirs” says, “When women see our names as temporary or not really ours, and when we understand that part of being a woman is subsuming your own identity into our husband’s, that impacts our perception of ourselves and our role in the world.” Filipovic hits the nail on the head: women's names and identities are temporary. Men's names and identities are concrete and unchanging. They are not expected to change. Being a married woman, as Filipovic argues, symbolizes a subsumption of identities.

This sounds great, right? This is what marriage is supposed to be all about: coming together. The issue is, though, that in a hetero-marriage, the wife is expected to subsume her identity into her husband's identity by taking his last name (and going by Mrs.), symbolically erasing at least 20-something years of her life, while the husband is not expected to change or erase parts of his identity.

If you read Filipovic's article, you'll find that she suggests men to change their last names to their spouse's last names. Unlike Filipovic, I am by no means suggesting that men should do this. This does turn the tradition on its head, which I appreciate, but I also feel that there is an imbalance of power, which I am uncomfortable with. I sincerely believe that marriages based on an equity of power have the potential to be more successful than those with an imbalance of power.

In summation, I don't necessarily see my name or identity as temporary. If men don't need to change their last name, then why should I, just because I identify as a woman? Compromise is important in marriage, but I don't think that anyone should have erase a part of their identity if they don't wish to.

3. I had the choice and some support to not change my last name. In many other countries, women cannot change their last names when they get married. For example, in Greece, a law was passed in 1983 that required women to keep their maiden names (Koffler). And if that is not close to home enough for you, Quebec has a similar law that has been in place since 1981 (for more examples, see Jacob Koffler's article, "Here Are Places Women Can’t Take Their Husband’s Name When They Get Married"). On the other hand, Japan does not recognize a couple if both the husband and wife do not have the same last names. Therefore, a woman must take her husband's last name. Though I don't agree with any of these laws because they deny women the right to choose if she wants to change or keep her last name, these examples prove that changing or not changing one's name depends on the country: there is no "norm" when it comes to last names. I appreciate that I had the choice to choose because the U.S. allows the choice. Additionally, overall, I had supportive family and friends. This does not always happen, especially with non-traditional decisions. I was lucky enough to have people respect my decision. Of course, I must admit, I probably would have kept my name even if my family and friends didn't support me. Nevertheless, the support was reassuring because I had others to talk to besides my soon-to-be spouse about the assumptions of women who keep their last names. They reassured me that just because I wasn't changing my last name didn't mean that I hated men or hated my soon-to-be spouse or his family or that I was being selfish or I was sabotaging our marriage. This support relieved some stress and the nasty comments on the internet and the harsh voices in my head.

To summarize:

I did not change my last name because, first and foremost, I didn't agree with this tradition because of its history. It doesn't symbolize something romantic; to me, it symbolizes power structures that I don't agree with. I chose to continue to be Hillary Weiss. This might not be revolutionary, but it's something because I chose it.

Reasons why it was difficult for me to not change my last name:

1. I absolutely didn't want to offend my partner's family. I enjoy spending time with them, and I appreciate their undying support of Paul and I. I didn't not change my name because I don't respect Paul or his family or because I don't like his last name. If you believe that I didn't change my last name because I don't respect my spouse and his family, scroll to the top of this page and start reading this post again.

2. I didn't want my partner's masculinity to be questioned or him to be harassed. You know. People will say, "Well, you know who wears the pants in that relationship!" or even, "What's wrong with you, bro?" You may think these comments are ridiculous or even playful. But they happen, and they can wear a person down. These phrases can sometimes turn into physical violence. Though I believe that gender roles need to be challenged and should be done away with, I also value our safety and even our acceptance in the world; it is hard to live outside of gender norms, especially in some hyper-masculine and/or conservative environments.

3. When you don't change your last name, you are still in a patriarchal loop--that is, you still carry your father's last name, which was passed down by men. Realistically, you aren't doing much by not changing your name because you are still contributing to the archaic idea that the last name must be carried on by a man.

This is one that I particularly struggle with. It makes me realize how difficult it is to escape the idea that (cis) men have power that (cis) women do not: because one is declared a boy at birth, this means that he automatically benefits because he is not expected to change his name (part of his identity) if he gets married. In addition, in my family, just because my brother can "carry on the last name," this means he also has dibs on the family farm. Being a (cis) male in our current society is still beneficial in certain ways.

4. People have questioned me about what we will do about our children's last names (some people have included the word "if"--"if" we have children--which I appreciate immensely). This is a difficult question, but I think Paul and I have this one down, at least. For now, we plan on hyphenating our children's names. We firmly believe that if and when our children get married, they can do whatever they want with their last names. We have also discussed us changing our last names along with our first child, but things could change.

To summarize...

Although this is your own name, this decision affects other people. I suggest keeping this in mind if you're ever in this situation. I still kept my last name, and I know this damaged some relationships. I just hope they understand that I did not do this to hurt them in any way. I did this to challenge a larger system and expectations that I disagree with.

This experience....

What I have learned about this experience is to try to be patient and open-minded, especially to others' decisions. In my original 2013 article about changing my last name (http://www.shuspectra.com/598/opinion/choosing-a-name-joining-identities/), I was fully expecting both Paul and I to hyphenate our last names, together. But during a long car ride home, Paul said, "You know, I don't want to hyphenate my name. I've been Paul [last name] my whole life. I really understand why people don't want to change their last names now." At that moment, I saw something wonderful: he felt how some women feel during this time in their lives. He realized what it meant to be asked to do something that he didn't want to do. He and I were on the same page. This is why we decided, together, to keep our own last names, at least for now. This doesn't mean that we don't feel uneasy about this sometimes, especially when we are questioned or even attacked for this decision. It is undoubtedly easier to just go with the flow in this situation even if you don't agree with the tradition, especially if you are a younger couple. But even though I am open minded to others changing their last names, I also argue that this doesn't change, challenge, or teach anyone anything. Just like this blog post, I have used this experience in my life as an opportunity to explain how there are clear discrepancies in expectations of men and women, and that a (cis) woman who does not change her last name is a threat to tradition, to masculinity, and to straight, white, able-bodied, cisgender male power. Why don't we want to challenge these ideas? Are they really working for all women right now? Are they really working for all men right now? Not at all.


If you don't agree with some of these traditions and power structures but still changed your last name, that's okay. You can do something about it. Respect others who decided to keep or combine their last names. Or write about it (look at Jo Piazza's "I Changed My Last Name 12 Hours After Getting Married...and Yes, I'm Still a Feminist"). If more individuals share their experiences about this topic, this sharing can create understanding and empathy.

Works Cited:

"Equality, Property, and Marriage." History 120. N.D. Web. 24 May 2016.

Filipovic, Jill. "Why Should Married Women Change Their Names? Let Men Change Theirs." The Guardian. 7 March 2013. Web. 23 May 2016.

Goldin, Claudia and Maria Shim. "Making a Name: Women’s Surnames at Marriage and Beyond." Journal of Economic Perspectives 18.2 (2004): 143-160.

Koffler, Jacob. "Here Are Places Women Can’t Take Their Husband’s Name When They Get Married." Time.com. 29 June 2015. Web. 24 May 2016.

Kos, Kaitlyn. "'I do, but I don't...take your last name': A study of surname choice upon marriage." ProQuest Dissertation Publishing. Southern Connecticut State University, 2013. Web. 24 May 2016.