Who is Sunshine Girl?

I am sunshine girl,
shines brightly through the clouds,
creates energy, and helps others grow.

But I am sunshine girl,
burns others who have prolonged exposure,
clouds vision, and will eventually wipe out existence.

human versus camera: taking different pictures

You know what's odd?
When we try to capture a perfect moment,
so we can look back on that picture and recall those emotions,
it's nearly impossible.

Even our eyes and cameras often take "different pictures."

Take this picture for example:

I took this picture tonight because the sky was ethereal and breathtaking to me:

Moon hidden beneath the sky,

Cerulean and navy,

But smoked out by the angel's cigarettes

Feathered trees below, fluffed like a disgruntled hen

This is what I saw as I looked up toward the sky.

But this might be what you see in this picture:

Stupid iPhone camera,

Doesn't take pictures at night well;

I can vaguely see the smoky clouds,

But it's SO pixel-y!

We are always taking pictures. But rarely do they reflect what was happening at that moment, whether it's because we are told to smile even when we don't feel like smiling but this is what we are trained to do, or the camera gives us red-eye, or the picture makes us look better or worse than we do in "real life" (whatever that is), or because the happiness is subsiding as we are taking the picture. The camera alters what we see, and even though it's a device that attempts to help us remember, it also rewrites what we remember.

Nonetheless, I will try to remember the sky tonight and how I was almost feeling at peace, which hasn't happened in a long time.

Yes, my class researched memes for an assignment.

Whenever I teach academic writing, I am always conscious of different types of English--whether it is academic, "informal," or other dialects of English. The students I teach come from different backgrounds linguistically. This summer I have some students who speak 3+ languages, and there are some students who only know English. There are also some students who are well-versed in academic language, and others who never had the opportunity to learn these skills. Keeping this in mind, I decided to discuss a pretty common dialect of English that most students are familiar with: internet linguistics.

For that day, we read Tia Baherl's "Your Ability to Can Even: A Defense of Internet Linguistics" for our discussion. Baherl explains that the interesting part of internet linguistics is "when the new grammatical structures and phrases express something that conventional language simply cannot." The example the author uses, the phrase "I can't even," is a phrase that has a much deeper and lengthy meaning (see the article for how the author translates the phrase) compared to the short phrase. Internet language, Baherl argues, requires "participation and imagination."

My students were receptive to the idea of internet linguistics (even when I challenged them), and they drew two important conclusions in our discussion. One was that internet linguistics and technological literacy should be taught early on in school. One student explained how she didn't know what "T" meant (according to what this student said and I've read in Sweet Tea: Black Gay Men of the South, it means "gossip" or even "truth") and she used Urban Dictionary to help her understand. Another student pointed out that internet linguistics is just as important as learning academic English today because of how much the U.S. in general uses the internet. Building on that point, one student proposed a course in middle or high school that focuses on this type of English. Overall, students agreed that knowing how to navigate and use internet linguistics would be useful to their personal and professional lives. The second conclusion we drew diverged slightly from internet linguistics. Naturally, our class discussed social media websites, where much of internet linguistics is created and disseminated, but we also analyzed social media websites and how they have changed. For instance, my students and I talked how Facebook was incredibly popular when it first debuted, and now, as my sister says, "It's normally for old people." Our class agreed with but also examined my sister's statement, and we came up with an idea as to why this might be true: Facebook is now commercialized. It creates ads just for you. If your feed is anything like mine, it's full of posts about working from home with companies like It Works and the like. These posts typically attempt to get others to buy products and/or to join that company. Perhaps the commercialization drives younger people away, we thought. But then again, maybe not. More popular social media with younger people, such as Instagram, has ads as well. My class last semester also discussed the popularity of Instagram and Snapchat, and that class agreed that there was something about social media sites centered around images, especially images that are temporary. These two important conclusions both show how technology changes communication, and also, as Cynthia Selfe discusses in the 1999 book Technology and Literacy in the Twenty-First Century, technology and economic growth are have the potential to be and are thought of as interdependent.   

Our assignment for the day, which we did before we discussed Baherl, was finding a meme and explaining the meme to the class. One student decided to show a meme that played off song lyrics from the 2012 hit "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen (see picture below). Like other students, this student explained the meme's origin; however, they also played the Jepsen's song while they presented the meme, and explained that they didn't know what a meme was before our last class. This student's presentation in particular, I believe, contributed to our conclusions that we came up with. Firstly, this student wasn't aware of memes. This further encourages the idea of learning about internet linguistics, especially since many people communicate on the internet through images like memes, including businesses.  According to Randy Hall's article "Do Memes Have a Place in the Professional Business Environment?" memes can "make a statement" about your business. Hypothetically, if you were navigating the internet and saw a meme for the business, it would probably be in your best interest to know how to read that image and understand what the business is about. Secondly, here again, we see how certain aspects of technology are commercialized (businesses using memes). In addition to businesses using memes as a vehicle to promote their product(s), memes disseminate popular culture, such as music and television, and make this song or television show even more popular. Even if the maker of the meme does not intend on popularizing the original song or television show, it may happen anyway. 

My students have a major project where they will have to analyze a music video or commercial later this summer, and this meme project was one step toward getting students to visually (and rhetorically) analyze images and videos. I can't wait for this project because, when I've taught this project in the past, it's been my favorite because students typically come up with genius ideas and analysis. Learning how to visually and rhetorically analyze images in our world today, as my class concluded, is an important language that we must teach sooner rather than later.

Works Cited

Baherl, Tia. "Your Ability to Can Even: A Defense of Internet Linguistics." The Toast, 20 November 2013, http://the-toast.net/2013/11/20/yes-you-can-even/. Accessed 28 May 2017.

Hall, Randy.  "Do Memes Have a Place in the Professional Business Environment?" One World Technology, 7 October 2016, https://www.oneworldtechnology.com/blog/do-memes-have-a-place-in-the-professional-business-environment. Accessed 29 May 2017.

Johnson, E. Patrick. Sweet Tea: Black Gay Men of the South. The University of North Carolina Press, 2008.

Selfe, Cynthia. Technology and Literacy in the 21st Century: The Importance of Paying Attention. Southern Illinois University Press, 1999.

Quick thoughts on "When the first Voice You Hear is Not Your Own"

I just completed Jacqueline Jones Royster's piece "When the first Voice You Hear is Not Your Own" for a directed study course I'm taking in the fall, and I love her writing style and the content, but I'm still left with questions. In this piece, the author highlights issues she has had as a person of color, specifically in academia. Jones Royster expresses how many of her peers were (and possibly still are...this piece was published in 1996) surprised when she shared her work at all, but even more surprised when her work was impactful (35). She touches upon the issues that still echo today for people of color, no matter what space they are in: they become the "storyteller," or a person who is heard but not believed. When a person of color has straight up told you or another that they are being racist, what do you typically do? Do you brush it off, believe they are lying, that they are playing "the race card" to benefit them in some way or to make you feel bad? Or do you consciously evaluate what you did in that situation and think how it might be considered racist? This--along with many other reasons--is why Jones Royster calls for a more conscious act of listening, especially listening to people of color and their voices. The goal, as the author states, isn't "you talk, I talk" (38). The goal is to find better practices that allow these voices to emerge from the depths of oppression: of being ignored, of being told they are lying. 

I'm all for Jones Royster's ideas, especially in the classroom and in academia. I'm still pondering over what happens when a person of color's voice is continually silenced, especially in spaces outside of the classroom, and how others can help, and who should help, and how we can (or should we) create a space for their voice to be heard. Perhaps these questions are too vague, but I suppose I would love--and need--to hear others' experiences.

x

Cemetery (written July 2016)

I went to the cemetery today to find you, but I never found you.

I found your sister, who isn’t even dead yet

I found your father, who died old

But you, I couldn’t find you.

You shouldn’t even be in that cemetery anyway

You should be here

(but I guess if you were here, I probably wouldn’t be here).

Maybe I didn’t want to find you, though, because it all would come crashing back to me:

The way I watched the life dwindle from your body

How I didn’t know what to say

How we were never that close

How I was going through a rough time myself when you died.

I don’t want to recall this pain. And I sure as hell don’t want to think about my own mortality.

Nonetheless

You are in that cemetery, somewhere, hopefully resting (and not roaming) until I find you.

(CS:GO) Gamer Stigma

He smiled at me from across the table, and said, "Hillary, you give people like me [a gamer] hope that I will find someone."

During the summer, my spouse and I were having lunch with one of his internet friends that lived near us at the time (let's call him Alex). I wasn't sure what to expect meeting Alex; I am not a gamer myself. I was a bit worried that Alex and my spouse would monopolize the conversation the whole time, talking about CS:GO (CounterStrike Global Offensive, the game they play together). I sometimes watch matches between the best teams in the world with my spouse, and I've been learning more about the game, but there is still a lot that I don't know, especially since I don't actually play. I was pleasantly surprised, though; both of them talked about different things going on in their lives, not just gaming. After thinking about how I assumed that these two would just talk about the game, I realized that my worry stemmed from the gamer stereotype.

Fig. 1. Online Gamer. "Rant and Rave;" SevenGames.com, 17 August 2014, http://sevengames.com/rant-and-rave/4073/1/rant-rave-gamer-stereotypes-and-feign-death.html.

Poster Idol's blog says, "Gamers. Just the mention of the word seems to conjure images of overweight, acne-ridden males, living in their parent’s basements, surviving on a diet of Burger Rings and Redbull. They are smelly, unsociable cave dwellers; sporting their sweat laden t-Shirts with the latest internet meme that would only ever make sense to another ‘gamer’ that they have no chance of running into, as they never leave their darkened rooms." In other words, the gamer is assumed to be an unhealthy, unclean, socially-awkward man. Although I agree that Poster Idol's summation of the gamer stereotype is accurate, I would like to challenge the idea that all gamers are older and "live in their parent's basements," at least with CS:GO gamers. As I've learned, most CS:GO gamers are in their mid-teens to early twenties. This means that most of these gamers might live in their parents' basements, but it's not because they are lazy or unsociable; it's probably because they are a lot younger than we imagine them to be. The older male that we imagine to be the gamer may be accurate for other video games, but it's simply not the case with CS:GO. My 26-year-old spouse often talks about being "too old" (I know he's joking, but there is a bit of truth in his jokes) to play CS:GO because there are younger players that are better: they have faster reaction times and they can practice more (I assume that these players don't have multiple jobs and responsibilities like my spouse does).

Although CS:GO players may not exactly fit the stereotype of a stereotypical gamer, this game has stereotypes of their own. MojoOnPC created a few different videos about CS:GO player stereotypes. Many of these stereotypes are spot on and pretty hilarious (see AFK guy), but I'd like to only explore the "Smurf" and "Girl" stereotypes. These, along with the gamer stereotype, are going to be helpful when in understanding why Alex, and perhaps other gamers, believes he might not find a partner.

The "Smurf," from what I understand, is a player that has multiple accounts so they may play with lower skilled people and/or to have a "fresh start" with CS:GO. This player might have a higher level account, such as Legendary Eagle (see figure 2 below), but this player may also play under a different account who might be only a Silver II. This means that players with the same rank are predicted to score an equal number of wins. However, if a Smurf Silver II is playing against a so-called actual Silver II player in a 1-versus-1 situation (just because this is the simplest to explain), this means they may not be evenly matched, and the Silver II will most likely lose. According to HughHeffrey's Reddit post, "[Smurfing] completely undermines the purpose of competitive matchmaking governed by a ranking system." While this statement may be valid, the only incentive to rank up in CS:GO is the prestige of the rank: players don't gain any new weapons or anything like other games. This ranking system setup may be why some players are indifferent about smurfing. Responding to HughHeffrey's post, Lucky_Kvack states, "Yes it causes teams to be unbalanced but your rank does not matter. You should be looking at improving as a player and having a rank next to your name doesn't mean shit. " My spouse also commented that while it might be annoying to play against a Smurf, smurfing is not as popular as it used to be. Clearly, CS:GO players are divided about smurfing.

Fig. 2. Competitive Ranking for CS:GO. "A Short and Easy Guide to Boosting Your CS:GO Rank." KillPing.com. 19 August 2016, https://www.killping.com/blog/cs-go-easy-boosting-guide/.

But what else is assumed about the Smurf stereotype? If we draw on MojoOnPC's video about CS:GO stereotypes, the Smurf ostensibly is super confident, good at the game, and strives to be a masculine/"bro" (some sort of physical prowess, uncaring, traditionally masculine). This stereotype is apparent within the video, which shows the Smurf playing blind-folded while reading "The Bro Code" book. The blindfold implies that the Smurf is ridiculously good at the game because he's reached the Global Elite ranking and is destroying his enemies (who are admittedly silver level, but he’s still hitting all of them) without even seeing them. The blindfold also suggests that while the Smurf attempts to be "a bro," the ultimate white masculine figure, because he's reading the book, he falls short of being a bro because he's blindfolded--he is not actually meeting the standard because he's not reading the book. However, this scene also indicates that he is the ultimate bro because he's reading the book and being, well, for lack of a better word, a douche: he is bored, clearly just wants to get some frags, and doesn't care about the ranking system or improving. If, as Kvak states, the goal of most CS:GO players is to improve and get better, the Smurf rebels against this goal and uses lower-ranked players as pawns. But if Smurfs represent some of the better players of the game, then this means when people think of CS:GO players, they will automatically associate well-known players with Smurfs, and therefore with this masculine stereotype.

On the other hand, the "girl gamer" stereotype is highly feminine and, at least in MojoOnPC's video, is not the best player. But the fascinating thing about the girl gamer is not the gamer herself; it is how male-identified gamers act when they are playing with a girl gamer. The video highlights how male gamers are generous with the girl gamer by giving her all of their weapons. But the comments on this YouTube video demonstrate another side that the actual video does not point out: when a girl gamer discloses she identifies as a woman, other gamers start harassing her. As Sandra Shadowlund comments on MojoOnPC's video, "I'm adding a stereotype: The Pedo. When guys find out I'm a girl in the game, they start saying or typing '37 INCH C**K HERE, ADD ME BABE'..But we know, that is how a male works." Now, I believe Shadowlund's grouping of all male gamers is a bit extreme, but I also don't know her experience overall. The comments on Shadowlund's comment surely prove that being a girl gamer entails harassment. There are the obvious comments to Shadowlund that quote her comment and attempt to be comical ("I got 37 inch Add me"), but there are also other comments, including "sexist bitch," "Who let you leave the kitchen lmao," and "We are desperate to have woman somewhere where we like (cs go) lel." These comments reflect this highly masculine, "bro" stereotype. But there is a divide between these comments. The "sexist bitch" and kitchen comment are trying to be comical to a male audience. But the 37 inch penis comments are actively trying to reach and persuade the girl gamer; they must assert their masculinity because, as one of the viewers of the video said, they rarely see women play CS:GO and are, according to this gamer, "desperate." Whether the girl gamer faces harassment or is showered with gifts, the majority of male-identified gamers appear to treat her differently.

Through my analysis of the Smurf stereotype and how these male-identified gamers treat girl gamers, we can begin to comprehend how these CS:GO stereotypes contribute to a new gamer stereotype, the masculine "bro" gamer. Although the typical gamer is not seen as masculine, there seems to be something about CS:GO or perhaps the first person shooter game that encourages toxic masculinity and douche-y behavior. From the comments above, it appears as though they either want to harass women or seriously want to have some sort of relationship. However, the typical comments to girl gamers blur the ultimate objective (harassment or relationship...it could be either one), and even if the gamer himself is not douche-y, women may feel skeptical about dating a gamer because of these stereotypes. And, perhaps if gamer is a straight male, he may feel inept with women because he’s often in an environment with other men.

Part of Alex's concern about not finding a partner seems to derive from the stereotype of a gamer--unhealthy, unclean, and socially awkward--and perhaps a CS:GO stereotype--the masculine, bro gamer. If Alex reveals to his date that he is a gamer, his date may assume these characteristics about him. These characteristics together represent a person who really doesn't care about much besides gaming, and this may be concerning to potential partners. Wow! thinks the potential partner, Why would I date someone who only cares about gaming and doesn't want to spend time with me? Maybe he should stop gaming. And if this partner is a woman, she may wonder, is he going to be a sexist prick and tell me to get back to the kitchen or call me a bitch for no apparent reason? These gamer stereotypes together--whether the gamer reflects these or doesn't--create a lethal formula that may discourage any sort of romantic interest.

Like all other humans, gamers are complex beings who may or may not fit certain stereotypes. The handful of CS:GO players I know are wonderful, and do not spend all of their time gaming. If you're a non-gamer who is concerned about dating a gamer, I suggest getting to know this person and discussing the issues that may arise from gaming (mainly, time spent together versus time spent gaming).

Works Cited:

"CS:GO-Stereotypes!" YouTube, uploaded by MojoOnPC, 31 December 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENcvLySoqdg. 

Faisy. "A Short and Easy Guide To Boosting Your CS:GO  Rank." Kill Ping. 19 August 2016. https://www.killping.com/blog/cs-go-easy-boosting-guide/. Accessed 23 December 2016.

Poster Idol. "Gamer- the stereotype." Gamer the Stereotype. Wordpress n.d. Web. 10 July 2016.

"Smurfing is a bigger problem in CS:GO than hacking." Counterstrike Global Offensive Reddit 18 July 2014. https://www.reddit.com/r/GlobalOffensive/comments/2b10kn/smurfing_is_a_bigger_problem_in_csgo_than_hacking/. Accessed 23 December 2016.

What's Your Sign?: the Complexity of Astrology

When I was a kid, I was a voracious reader. I would finish my ten books I checked out from the library within a few days. Granted, most were Baby Sitter Club books (or some equivalent). As I grew older, I started reading some of my mom's books. One of these books--a western astrological sign book--sticks in my mind. Although I can't remember what this books' name was, I remember the content, and it sticks with me today. Every time someone tells me their birthday, I always think about some of the characteristics of that astrological sign, and see if they match up with that person.

Now, you might ask: Hillary. You're a Ph.D student. You're kinda smart. Do you believe in that crap? I would reply, well, I'm not sure. What do I know is that many of the traits assigned to astrological signs reflect some of my friends and family, and others do not. I'll provide some examples below.

From what I know about western astrology's history (which is limited to what I just skimmed in a few scholarly articles and my brief Google search), it is based on Ptolemy's Tetrabiblos, and a lucid starting guide for understanding this history is A History of Western Astrology by Jim Tester. Western astrology is largely horoscopic, or based on a horoscope of an exact moment (like birth), and reduced to sun sign astrology, which only considers the placement of the sun at a person's birth. Overall, western popular astrology, or the signs that you see for horoscopes and what you respond if someone asks, "What's your sign?", is greatly simplified. Nonetheless, I find it intriguing how sometimes these astrological signs describe a person's personality accurately, and sometimes they don't.

First example: me. My sun sign is Aquarius (born between January 20th and February 18th...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjxSCAalsBE). Aquariuses are, according to a few different websites and my memory of my mom's book, humanitarians, intelligent, independent, progressive, original, honest, and curious. These are the "positive" traits. The "negative" traits include being stubborn, insensitive, aloof, sarcastic, unpredictable, and rebellious. I would agree that most of these characteristics describe me. However, I have a few family members and friends who are also Aquariuses, and these descriptors do not describe them.

Another example: my lovely partner-in-crime. He's a Pieces (normally born between February 19th and March 20th). Pieces are compassionate, artistic, creative, open-minded, and devoted, as well as fearful, escapist (of reality), lazy, impractical, and loners. He (and I) would only agree with about 50% of those descriptors. But I'm wondering if it depends on the month (and perhaps even day) people were born. My dad is also a Pieces, but was born in February, unlike my spouse. Dad is definitely artistic, creative, and devoted, but he's neither lazy nor a loner.

What I'm curious about is how these characteristics describe some people, but do not describe others (I'd love to hear some examples from my readers!). This is where the more complex astrology comes into play, I believe. Although I do not have the time to delve into astrology fully, I wonder if astrology may be another way for humans to understand ourselves and others.



Works Cited

"Aquarius Astrology January 20-February 18." Zodiac Signs Astrology. http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius.htm.

"Aquarius Zodiac Sign Aquarius Horoscope." Astrology Zodiac Signs. http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius/.

"Aquarius Zodiac Sign--Characteristics & Personality Traits." 123NewYear.com. http://www.123newyear.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius.html.

Friedman, Hank, "The Differences Between Western & Vedic Astrology." Learn Astrology. 2012. https://www.learnastrologyfree.com/differences.htm.

Pelham, Libby. "Personality Traits of an Aquarius." Explore Astrology. 7 December 2016. http://www.exploreastrology.co.uk/personalitytraitsaquarius.html. Accessed 19 December 2016.

Pelham, Libby. "Personality Traits of a Pieces." Explore Astrology. 7 December 2016. http://www.exploreastrology.co.uk/PersonalityTraitsPisces.html. Accessed 19 December 2016.

"Pieces Astrology February 19 to March 20." Zodiac Signs Astrology. http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/pisces.htm.

"Pieces Zodiac Sign--Characteristics & Personality Traits." 123NewYear.com. http://www.123newyear.com/zodiac-signs/pisces.html.

"Pieces Zodiac Sign Pieces Horoscope." Astrology Zodiac Signs. http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/pisces/.

In between a master's degree and a Ph.D

Today I was struck again how lucky and/or blessed I am to be in the position I am in: a Ph.D student.

I promise I'm not trying to romanticize academia or put anyone down who isn't a Ph.D student or doesn't have their Ph.D. First of all, graduate work is tough. It's lonely. It's frustrating. There were many nights during my master's degree that I was so overwhelmed by how much work I had to do that I had to stop working and just watch Netflix for the rest of the night (and try not to feel guilty). I don't blame the people who choose not to continue on with their education. Even for the most dedicated, it's difficult to be dedicated 24/7 and not ask themselves, "Why am I doing this?"

I know quite a few people who chose not to continue, or desired to continue on with graduate work, but were not given the chance to continue. These are some of the most intelligent, talented people that I know. A few of my friends decided not to apply to other master's programs/doctorate programs, although it's likely they would have been accepted. They decided not to apply for various reasons, including money/student loans, mental health, and disinterest/contentment with their master's degree. I believe these are all fine reasons for not continuing. But their current issue is that there are not many jobs out there for people with a Master's degree in English (specifically, literature). Adjuncts get paid almost nothing. You might get to work in a book store or some place you might get to use the skills you learned in graduate school, but even this seems to be a fantasy. If this sounds like you, I wish you the best of luck, and I will tell you anything I find.

And still, some friends were not accepted into programs (or the programs they wanted to get into). There are a few different options for these people, although the person who chooses the second option ends up choosing the first option, too. The first option echoes those who choose not to continue their graduate work: these people can settle for jobs that may or may not include skills they learned from their master's degree. I do not mean to imply all of these jobs are terrible. In fact, one of my friends has a really awesome job where they work with social media AND they got to move to a great city. However, not everyone has the option to move, and not everyone has these skills needed for that kind of job. As you probably know, there are many intricacies that must align in order to find a (dream) job. The second option for those who still want to continue their graduate work is to wait and apply next year. This means, as I said above, finding a job in the mean time. Not everyone can live their lives on hold like this, though. It's also tough to muster up the courage, time, and money it takes to apply to graduate schools. Those of you who have applied again or are planning on applying again: I am impressed by you. If you know anyone who has done this, take the time to heartily congratulate them either for trying again or for being accepted.

Today, once again, I started thinking about all of these people who aren't continuing on with their graduate work, or who never had the chance. Before, I wondered if I was going to be one who wouldn't have the chance. Even when I started my master's degree, I didn't know if I would get the chance to get a Ph. D, or if I even belonged in academia: my peers seemed miles ahead of me. I can tell you that, yes, I worked hard for my bachelor's and master's degrees and where I am today. However, I also got lucky that I was accepted into a Ph.D program. As I said before, many talented individuals do not get accepted into programs. The university I am enrolled in right now apparently saw something in me and thought I fit into their program, and accepted me. While it's true this university is a state university--no where near ivy league--they could have just as easily rejected me, like some of the other universities (including other state universities) I applied to. Nevertheless, I will be starting school again this fall. After the class work, the language test, the preliminary exams, the dissertation, and everything else, I will have a Ph.D. This was something I dreamed about as I read "Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass" for an undergrad summer class, sprawled out on a dorm room floor, contemplating if I should pursue graduate school. I dreamed about having a Ph.D when I read Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own  my senior year of undergrad. All of the individuals like Frederick Douglass and Virginia Woolf (and countless others) who wanted to be educated in schools but were not able to stand in my mind (okay, I know I'm romanticizing, but sometimes I can't help but sentimentalize those who want to get education but do not have the means to) because, out of many people, I got the opportunity to be educated, continue graduate work and research, and become a professor who hopefully teaches her students useful things. Although I know the next four to five years are going to be demanding, I am still awestruck and grateful that I am able to do these things. So, yes, I work hard. But I also know I am lucky.


Note: I often use the singular version of "they" to keep the genders of the people I talk about ambiguous. Why do you need to know, anyway?

Also, I choose not to use the phrase "continuing their education." You can be educated anywhere, at any time. Instead, I use "continuing graduate work."

Belly Fat

"Belly Fat Cured."
Because belly fat is a disease, an illness that must be healed.
Because belly fat is a sign of unhealthiness and laziness.
Because belly fat is troublesome to look at, to feel, to have
especially if you are a woman.
Or did they mean that Oprah's belly fat was cured like pork
Salted, protected from disease, preserved for its taste
Perhaps a recipe is found inside--women's belly fat. A new, misogynist delicacy.
Either way, we have cured belly fat from its repulsive, raw state.

Move Number Five.

My spouse and I have moved a total of four times since we've been together, and these four moves have taken place in the past four years. Number five is coming very soon, and it's probably stressing me out more than any other move, which is saying something:

The first of the four moves was an exciting move that ended in a broken friendship and a hasty move. My junior year of college, I moved in with one of my best friends (I will call her Anne) from grade school, her girlfriend, and my spouse (at the time, my partner). Anne and I were too excited to be moving in because of how much we had in common and how well we got along. Lovers of gossip, Harry Potter, and American Idol, Anne and I had dreamed of this moment for a long time. The day we moved in, I used my 1995 Ford Escort (I was not about to use a moving truck) to move all of my belongings from my parent's house to the new apartment, feeling nervous but finally feeling like a grown-up. This was my first place! My name was on the lease! However, this eager feeling was short lived. My partner and I found out quickly that the other two did not like to clean up their messes. Anne and her partner also decided to get two cats, and their litter box in the bathroom was always overflowing and smelled terribly, especially in the heat of the summer. We had a short discussion with them about their cleaning habits, and hoped it would get better. But it didn't get better. My spouse's favorite story to tell from this experience is the one where he found a fork under the couch, stuck to the carpet (we laugh about this now). I couldn't handle living with people who thought it was okay to leave a dirty fork on the floor. I cannot thrive or sometimes even function in a space that is messy and, more importantly, smelly (damn my sensitive nose). I got tired of cleaning up after them, especially with my busy schedule. That semester I was doing my practicum hours for my education degree, and that, on top of other classes, bowling practice and captain duties, working at the writing center and at Meijer on the weekends, and various other activities I was involved in with the university, I was at my breaking point with stress. So, in mid-November (hoping Anne and her partner could find something for December), my partner and I told them we were moving out. After this conversation, Anne shut me out. If either of them talked to us, it was short in length and civility. In the midst of hostility and homework, my partner and I looked for a place to live. We decided quickly on a place about two miles away that was available in early December. Ever since this time, Anne and I have not spoken. I hate to think about this move just because it effectively ruined our eight year friendship in less than four months. But I believe that we all didn't do enough. They didn't try hard enough to actually change and do cleaning. We didn't have "the cleaning conversation" enough with them. But this experience taught us that roommates just didn't work.

Our second move was another exciting one because this was mine and my spouse's first apartment together. However, this apartment ended in another move, simply because it was that terrible. The roof leaked in four different places, which meant we always had to empty buckets of water nearly every hour. Every room reeked of the medical marijuana that our neighbor below us smoked. Wailing ambulances regularly visited our neighbors below. Our neighbor below us (one of our friends) had bed bugs (thankfully, we never got them). But the most upsetting part was when we tried to tell our apartment owners that we had black mold on our bathroom ceiling, and they dismissed this notion, telling us it was probably mildew. They never looked into it. I wanted to yell, Excuse me, lady, I was constantly wiping down mold with bleach at rental houses and at my own house when I was a kid. I know the difference between mold and mildew! A few months after we moved out, one of my spouse's co-workers told him that our old apartment did indeed have black mold, and that they had to re-do the whole apartment. Sigh.
Don't get me wrong. I have many good memories about this apartment. We had a few parties in this apartment. I was student teaching while we were living here. I graduated from undergrad while living here. One of our good friends grilled food on our balcony--well, on our mini fridge--and ended up burning a hole on the top of that fridge, which was pretty hilarious. But we had to get out of this place. Clearly, the apartment owners did not care about their residents.

On the other hand, our third move was probably the best apartment that we've had. This place was under $500 in rent that paid for our heat, trash, water, and internet (we paid electric). This place used to be a home that was turned into four separate apartments, so only eight people lived in the house, which meant it really wasn't noisy. Our landlord was great. Our kitchen was huge, and the living room had a built-in bookshelf (of course I loved this!). It was also in a safe neighborhood, and I could actually go run in the morning without being bothered. This apartment was incredibly close to where my spouse worked and went to school.
However, this place wasn't perfect for me; however, this apartment was an hour and ten minutes away from where I went to school. This is why we ended up moving a fourth time.

Our fourth move, where we currently are, was different from the others, simply because we moved to a different state. Besides that, it has been a pretty nice place to live--this state has cheap car insurance, the neighbors have been fine, the location was great for my spouse and I (we had an equal commute), and it's still close enough to my family so I can visit them for a day at a time (as opposed to staying for a few days because of the long commute to their house). I really don't have many complaints besides the bathtub and sinks draining slowly.

Finally, our upcoming fifth move. We are in the process of choosing a place that is in the middle(ish) of where my spouse works and where I will receive my Ph.D. Let me tell you...this is the most stressful move for several reasons:

1. No place is perfect:

Let me start by saying this: finding the perfect apartment complex is impossible because, well, there is no perfect apartment complex. Our closest was our third move. But even with the cheap rent and other benefits, living there was not always pleasant for me simply because I was constantly stressed by the commute and by my strenuous master's program.

For our apartment search this time, my spouse and I are going to have to compromise. His work and my work/school are an hour and twenty minutes away from each other. I can't do an hour-something commute again, and I don't expect my spouse to drive that far. We have been looking for months for a place that would be about a 40 minute-ish drive for us both, but we've found this doesn't exist within our price range. We've had some other issues, too:

a. It's difficult to find a place that's inexpensive AND safe AND doesn't have pests:

I have two other friends that are moving in June and July, and they are facing the same problems. Granted, they are both moving to bigger cities than my spouse and I, so they are having an even harder time finding a place that allows them to be able to pay rent AND buy food (both are pretty important), a place where their cars won't get broken into, and a place they won't be confronted or assaulted for simply taking their trash to the dumpster at night. In addition to this, if you find a place that is inexpensive and in a safer place, there is almost always some kind of pest. The word "pest" can apply to a few different things, depending on the person. Pest, of course, includes rats and mice, cockroaches, bedbugs, and other bugs (I found a review of an affordable apartment with large, angry ants, bedbugs, and fleas. Yay). But another "pest" can be your neighbors (listening to your neighbors have extremely loud sex or listening to your neighbor's booming music or their yelling at their computer or TV screen at 3 AM can be annoying after a while). "Pest" also applies to the way your apartment smells (when I was student teaching, the place we lived constantly smelled like weed because of the neighbor below us. I was paranoid that one of my students or my supervising teacher was going to smell it on me. The contact high may have added to my paranoia). In short, the label "pest" can pertain to many things, depending on what bothers you, and every place has some sort of "pest," especially inexpensive apartments.

My advice for those of you who are moving or will have to move is this: don't set your expectations so high that a place will never come close to meeting them. Instead, narrow down your most important things to a "Top 3" list. My spouse and I's top 3 list is price (no more than $750 per month for rent and cat rent together), space (no smaller than 750 square feet), and distance/safety (no more than 55 minutes for either of us and in a safer neighborhood, preferably in its own community or simply not super close to a busy street). Okay. I guess the last reason is technically two separate reasons, but safety and distance are both equally important.
My point is, you might have to let go of the idea of having a dishwasher, washer and dryer, and a nice view if one of your top concerns is price. And if one of your top concerns is safety, then you will probably have to be a bit more flexible with your budget, like we had to be.

2. We will live in this space for the next four years:

Although no place is perfect, we are going (ideally) to have to live here for the next four years. I don't want to move again. I know everyone says they hate moving, but I. hate. moving. I've moved way too much in the past four years for my liking. I want us to find a place, and I want it to stick. I want to be able to actually decorate this place without having to pack it back up a year later. If we have to move, we will, but if we don't have to, it would be the first time in four years that we haven't moved. Think of all of the money and time and stress we could save for something else!

3. I'm worried about the commute for us:

As I mentioned above, I've done the hour-something commute before. It was extremely stressful, and I can't see me doing that again, especially when I'm in a Ph.D program. However, I don't want my spouse to have to drive an hour, either. I know that I genuinely worry about my dad because he drives an hour and fifteen minutes from home to work (and back again) and works overtime. If my spouse did this, I would worry and, yes, feel guilty. Plus, the winters in the Midwest are not the best for commuters. A drive that is over 45 minutes for my spouse, myself, or both of us will be another cause for anxiety.

4. Summer Jobs, Degrees, Vacation, and Kitties:

We have a lot going on this summer. I'm working my fifth summer with Upward Bound (I love working with these students and staff). My family and I are going to the upper peninsula to my grandpa's wedding reception (I'm so excited to finally go back--while my family used to go every summer, I haven't been able to go because of my summer job). My spouse is finishing up his master's degree in August and has been interning and working with some wonderful people at Omega Youth Empowerment. I will also receive my master's degree in August. Also, my spouse and I are getting a fur baby--a kitten--in July (we haven't found a name yet! Suggestions are welcome). 

While many fun and rewarding events are happening this summer, it makes it almost impossible to plan the "right" time to move. We have a very small window to move that hopefully apartment places will work with. 

5. The money.

The money it takes to move--renting a moving truck, etc.--can be hard to find if you're in between jobs, like my spouse and I are. While I love Upward Bound, the paycheck is not comparable to the paycheck I'm used to receiving during the school year. 

Since I have a little more time on my plate, I've been looking up ways to save and make money. So far, I've been filling out online surveys for small dollar amounts, and I've been using apps like Ibotta, which will reimburse you for money you spend at the grocery store. In addition, I've been attempting to sell my gently used high heel shoes online (long story short: high heels are uncomfortable, and I don't like being uncomfortable). Sadly, I have not sold any yet (if you're looking for a good price on heels, let me know).

If you're strapped for money and have a little time, I suggest doing some of these money saver/money maker things that I mentioned above as well as look up more. Plenty of blogs advertise websites and apps that can save or make you money.

6. Moving to a "new" state:

Moving to a new area of a state is hard enough, but moving to a new state requires you to change your license and license plate, insurances, and other important things. It's not really a new state for my spouse and I because we grew up in this state, but since we lived in a different state for a year, we do have to change everything once again. We also have to learn the area and the driving routes that we have to take.

What should you do?

I'm sure there are other subconscious reasons that I'm stressed about this move, like starting over again at a new school, but these are the main reasons. If you are stressed about moving, I suggest taking a breath. Really. Right now, stop and take a breath. I'm waiting.

Okay. Now that you've taken a breath, if you're still stressed about moving, make time in your schedule to do something fun, even if it's something as simple as going to the library, taking a walk, going to the park, or going out for something cheap like ice cream or coffee. These will help you cope with the stress and give you a break from packing. Now, I'm off to follow my own advice.

My Last Name.

The wedding season is in full swing once again. This time last year, my spouse and I were getting married. Overall, this was a happy, albeit short, occasion. But one decision about this wedding and marriage continues to reappear, normally barging back into my life in an unpleasant way. Yes. I am one of those people who didn't change her last name when she got married.

This was startling to my family, my soon-to-be family, my friends, and my soon-to-be spouse. Many of them didn't know how to talk about it or how to address me. Some of them still call me "Mrs. [insert my spouse's last name]" (For those who are curious, I don't go by Mrs. at all, actually. I go by Ms. This isn't an out for me to pretend I'm not married, a strategy to pick up dudes (or chicks or anyone else), or to cheat on my spouse. I'm going to be Dr. soon, anyway!). Some were angry. Most of them just didn't say anything but watched me carefully at the wedding, probably wondering why I wasn't changing my last name.

I feel that I need to explain myself (even more), although Paul and I made this decision a long time ago. This was not an easy decision for us together as a couple. We still run into road blocks because of this decision, and I'm sure we will down the road. The biggest issue is the assumptions that go with not changing one's last name when you get married, which I will discuss throughout this post. I'm a strict believer that changing or not changing one' s last name is a hard decision either way, and that it is ultimately a person's choice because it's their name (although the couple should come to a decision or at least a compromise). But even when I have respected other's decisions, they do not always respect my decision. One of the reasons I've decided to share my experience is because it is a hard decision and you may find backlash if you change your name or if you don't. I will be sharing the reasons why I decided to not change my last name, but also why it was hard for me to not change my last name. I hope that this post helps you understand my situation (all situations are unique: my situation does not represent all women's situations). As Janet Mock writes beautifully in her memoir Redefining Realness, "I hope that my being real with you will help empower you to step into who you are and encourage you to share yourself with those around you." I hope that my honesty--sharing my reasons and my struggle with this decision--will help individuals do things others may not agree with and to share these things instead of keeping them quiet. I also hope it gives others an understanding as to why I decided not to change my last name. I realize this is a lot of ask of a blog post, especially one with bullet points, but perhaps this post can do something for someone besides me. But, I must admit, I'm also hoping it relieves my own uneasy mind and organize the thoughts that have been bouncing around for about four years.

Before reading on, if you are not familiar with the stereotypes of women keeping their maiden names, I suggest you read some of the articles that show how people "really feel" about women not changing their last names, such as Robin Hilmantel's "How Men REALLY Feel When You Keep Your Last Name" and Lynette Hoy's short piece "She Won’t Change Her Last Name" (along with some of the comments about this piece). I will discuss many of the stereotypes in this article, but these articles will give you a stronger foundation.

In addition, I suggest reading other articles about why women did not change their last name when they got married (either before or after you continue reading). Gabrielle Moss' article "Keeping Your Name After Marriage: 27 Women Talk About Why They Didn't Take Their Husband's Surnames" provides readers with short quotes from women who didn't change their last names. Reflective Brides' post, "Why I’m Not Changing My Last Name for Marriage," offers one story why she did not change her last name as well as the questions that people have asked her. Hopefully these additional articles supply you with more background and what people have to say about the subject.

Note: My article will solely use examples about marriages between men and women, since this is my situation. However, many queer couples may face this issue as well. Since the Marriage Equality Act passed last summer, these couples have the choice to keep, change, or combine their last names. A few couples share their experiences in Lisa Bertagnoli's article "They're gay and married. Do they use the same surname?"

Reasons why I didn't change my last name when I got married:

1. I didn't want to contribute to a tradition that isn't meaningful to me. Here's a quick and dirty history of this tradition: although last names (or surnames) are relatively recent (this trend started around the 12th or 13th century), this trend spread quickly. Because of this trend, the U.S., as well as some other countries, has a cultural tradition of a wife being assigned her husband's last name. During this time, when a woman married, she was property of her husband, and therefore took his last name because she was now a possession of his; She had no legal status: she could not own her own property. She was not her own person. Although women have gained many rights, many continued to take their husband's last names. (Also, something else that contributes to my discomfort with being assigned a name is rooted in the history of slavery. Masters assigned slaves new European names when they were bought that erased their African heritage.)

Today, most people don't view women as property of their husband. However, why would I continue this tradition if I don't agree with or believe in the reasons behind why it originated and why it was continued? I don't believe any human being is necessarily superior over another, especially in terms of the sex they were declared at birth. I view myself as my own person, just like I view my spouse as his own person. I'm not enslaved to him in any way, and vice versa. Neither of us should have to deny our agency just because of marriage. Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice at times, but this does not mean viewing ourselves as lesser. Since I read this tradition as something that continues the subjugation of women and denies them agency, I did not feel comfortable changing my last name.

2. Before we got married, I was Hillary Weiss for 23 years of my life. When people get married, they may take that opportunity to get rid of their last name that they may not like or parts of their identity they don't like. I think that this is great for these people: they are actually "taking" a name and re-naming themselves. There is power in naming yourself. However, it's not for me. As Amy Poehler says in her book Yes Please, "That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again: 'Good for her! Not for me.'" I don't hate women who change their last name when they get married. I trust that they have reasons why they want to change their last name, and I respect their decision. And I definitely don't attack them for it. But I also expect them to respect my decision as well, which does not always happen. Anyway. It is important to note, though, that I'm not incredibly close to the Weiss side of the family, so I didn't keep my name just because I wanted to honor them. I wanted to keep my name because I'm okay with being Hillary Weiss, and I don't feel like I need to change (my name) just because I was getting married.

As Jill Filipovic’s article, “Why Should Married Women Change Their Names? Let Men Change Theirs” says, “When women see our names as temporary or not really ours, and when we understand that part of being a woman is subsuming your own identity into our husband’s, that impacts our perception of ourselves and our role in the world.” Filipovic hits the nail on the head: women's names and identities are temporary. Men's names and identities are concrete and unchanging. They are not expected to change. Being a married woman, as Filipovic argues, symbolizes a subsumption of identities.

This sounds great, right? This is what marriage is supposed to be all about: coming together. The issue is, though, that in a hetero-marriage, the wife is expected to subsume her identity into her husband's identity by taking his last name (and going by Mrs.), symbolically erasing at least 20-something years of her life, while the husband is not expected to change or erase parts of his identity.

If you read Filipovic's article, you'll find that she suggests men to change their last names to their spouse's last names. Unlike Filipovic, I am by no means suggesting that men should do this. This does turn the tradition on its head, which I appreciate, but I also feel that there is an imbalance of power, which I am uncomfortable with. I sincerely believe that marriages based on an equity of power have the potential to be more successful than those with an imbalance of power.

In summation, I don't necessarily see my name or identity as temporary. If men don't need to change their last name, then why should I, just because I identify as a woman? Compromise is important in marriage, but I don't think that anyone should have erase a part of their identity if they don't wish to.

3. I had the choice and some support to not change my last name. In many other countries, women cannot change their last names when they get married. For example, in Greece, a law was passed in 1983 that required women to keep their maiden names (Koffler). And if that is not close to home enough for you, Quebec has a similar law that has been in place since 1981 (for more examples, see Jacob Koffler's article, "Here Are Places Women Can’t Take Their Husband’s Name When They Get Married"). On the other hand, Japan does not recognize a couple if both the husband and wife do not have the same last names. Therefore, a woman must take her husband's last name. Though I don't agree with any of these laws because they deny women the right to choose if she wants to change or keep her last name, these examples prove that changing or not changing one's name depends on the country: there is no "norm" when it comes to last names. I appreciate that I had the choice to choose because the U.S. allows the choice. Additionally, overall, I had supportive family and friends. This does not always happen, especially with non-traditional decisions. I was lucky enough to have people respect my decision. Of course, I must admit, I probably would have kept my name even if my family and friends didn't support me. Nevertheless, the support was reassuring because I had others to talk to besides my soon-to-be spouse about the assumptions of women who keep their last names. They reassured me that just because I wasn't changing my last name didn't mean that I hated men or hated my soon-to-be spouse or his family or that I was being selfish or I was sabotaging our marriage. This support relieved some stress and the nasty comments on the internet and the harsh voices in my head.

To summarize:

I did not change my last name because, first and foremost, I didn't agree with this tradition because of its history. It doesn't symbolize something romantic; to me, it symbolizes power structures that I don't agree with. I chose to continue to be Hillary Weiss. This might not be revolutionary, but it's something because I chose it.

Reasons why it was difficult for me to not change my last name:

1. I absolutely didn't want to offend my partner's family. I enjoy spending time with them, and I appreciate their undying support of Paul and I. I didn't not change my name because I don't respect Paul or his family or because I don't like his last name. If you believe that I didn't change my last name because I don't respect my spouse and his family, scroll to the top of this page and start reading this post again.

2. I didn't want my partner's masculinity to be questioned or him to be harassed. You know. People will say, "Well, you know who wears the pants in that relationship!" or even, "What's wrong with you, bro?" You may think these comments are ridiculous or even playful. But they happen, and they can wear a person down. These phrases can sometimes turn into physical violence. Though I believe that gender roles need to be challenged and should be done away with, I also value our safety and even our acceptance in the world; it is hard to live outside of gender norms, especially in some hyper-masculine and/or conservative environments.

3. When you don't change your last name, you are still in a patriarchal loop--that is, you still carry your father's last name, which was passed down by men. Realistically, you aren't doing much by not changing your name because you are still contributing to the archaic idea that the last name must be carried on by a man.

This is one that I particularly struggle with. It makes me realize how difficult it is to escape the idea that (cis) men have power that (cis) women do not: because one is declared a boy at birth, this means that he automatically benefits because he is not expected to change his name (part of his identity) if he gets married. In addition, in my family, just because my brother can "carry on the last name," this means he also has dibs on the family farm. Being a (cis) male in our current society is still beneficial in certain ways.

4. People have questioned me about what we will do about our children's last names (some people have included the word "if"--"if" we have children--which I appreciate immensely). This is a difficult question, but I think Paul and I have this one down, at least. For now, we plan on hyphenating our children's names. We firmly believe that if and when our children get married, they can do whatever they want with their last names. We have also discussed us changing our last names along with our first child, but things could change.

To summarize...

Although this is your own name, this decision affects other people. I suggest keeping this in mind if you're ever in this situation. I still kept my last name, and I know this damaged some relationships. I just hope they understand that I did not do this to hurt them in any way. I did this to challenge a larger system and expectations that I disagree with.

This experience....

What I have learned about this experience is to try to be patient and open-minded, especially to others' decisions. In my original 2013 article about changing my last name (http://www.shuspectra.com/598/opinion/choosing-a-name-joining-identities/), I was fully expecting both Paul and I to hyphenate our last names, together. But during a long car ride home, Paul said, "You know, I don't want to hyphenate my name. I've been Paul [last name] my whole life. I really understand why people don't want to change their last names now." At that moment, I saw something wonderful: he felt how some women feel during this time in their lives. He realized what it meant to be asked to do something that he didn't want to do. He and I were on the same page. This is why we decided, together, to keep our own last names, at least for now. This doesn't mean that we don't feel uneasy about this sometimes, especially when we are questioned or even attacked for this decision. It is undoubtedly easier to just go with the flow in this situation even if you don't agree with the tradition, especially if you are a younger couple. But even though I am open minded to others changing their last names, I also argue that this doesn't change, challenge, or teach anyone anything. Just like this blog post, I have used this experience in my life as an opportunity to explain how there are clear discrepancies in expectations of men and women, and that a (cis) woman who does not change her last name is a threat to tradition, to masculinity, and to straight, white, able-bodied, cisgender male power. Why don't we want to challenge these ideas? Are they really working for all women right now? Are they really working for all men right now? Not at all.


If you don't agree with some of these traditions and power structures but still changed your last name, that's okay. You can do something about it. Respect others who decided to keep or combine their last names. Or write about it (look at Jo Piazza's "I Changed My Last Name 12 Hours After Getting Married...and Yes, I'm Still a Feminist"). If more individuals share their experiences about this topic, this sharing can create understanding and empathy.

Works Cited:

"Equality, Property, and Marriage." History 120. N.D. Web. 24 May 2016.

Filipovic, Jill. "Why Should Married Women Change Their Names? Let Men Change Theirs." The Guardian. 7 March 2013. Web. 23 May 2016.

Goldin, Claudia and Maria Shim. "Making a Name: Women’s Surnames at Marriage and Beyond." Journal of Economic Perspectives 18.2 (2004): 143-160.

Koffler, Jacob. "Here Are Places Women Can’t Take Their Husband’s Name When They Get Married." Time.com. 29 June 2015. Web. 24 May 2016.

Kos, Kaitlyn. "'I do, but I don't...take your last name': A study of surname choice upon marriage." ProQuest Dissertation Publishing. Southern Connecticut State University, 2013. Web. 24 May 2016.